Category: expat reference

Here’s where it starts to unravel. Chapter 1 of French License shows how alike France is to California. “Can’t you give a brother a break?” I ask, wondering how my similar experience warrants a zero. Chapter 4’s Idiot synchracies uncovers the dissimilarities of driving in France. For roundabouts, it’s “vive la différence.” For nearly everything else, it’s “where’s the exit?”

Here’s an extract:

“When your trip on one of these secondary roads takes you through a strange town and you’re unsure where to turn next, there’s a helpful sign that will inevitably turn up, indicating ‘TOUTES DIRECTIONS.’  This means ‘all directions.’  “Nothing to see here.  Just pass through.  I don’t care where you’re going to, it’s obviously this way.”  So, you comply and, sure enough, a bit farther up the road, your next waypoint is clearly marked, and you breeze along, confident you will arrive at your destination.

Until you once again come across the now-familiar ‘TOUTES DIRECTIONS‘ arrow, pointing to the right.  You’re about to head that way when you notice another sign just next to it, labeled ‘AUTRES DIRECTIONS‘ pointing to the left.  This, of course, means ‘other directions.’  How, you ponder, does ‘all‘ differ from ‘other?’

Being well-schooled in philosophy, the French driver in front of you speeds on.  Scratching your Yankee head, you pull to the side of the road and wait for the mass-market adoption of GPS.”

This is the last chapter that you can read for free in the online sample.  The extract is only four chapters out of 40+ so I guarantee you TEN TIMES the laughs when you buy the whole book!

The customer is always wrong in this chapter of French License.  It’s a ‘dialogue des sourds,’ or a conversation between deaf people.

It reminds me of the responses Willy Wonka gave to questions.  He never answered directly, completely, nor with sincerity nor empathy.  He simply strung the asker along, bewildering them with unhelpful words, while leading them into danger.

I love Gene Wilder, but that movie gave me the creeps, his interpretation especially.  I didn’t want Charlie to follow to the end.  I wish he would have told Willy to take a hike with all his shenanigans, and exited out a side door to go back home with his grandfather.  Maybe that’s what I should have done in this chapter.

Ever seen one of these before?  I hadn’t before coming to France.  Know what it’s called?  Neither did I.  I learned the hard way.  I must like learning things the hard way.  If you do, too, you’re ready for the expat experience!  In Bike follies I, the sixth chapter of French License.

It’s Sunday before the new NFL season, so of course today’s teaser is about Football.  What’s a fan to do, far from the ‘States, with no TV coverage at his home?  It’s adventure time, seeking a Paris bar to watch, drink and shout.  The game is just a backdrop for our fan’s individual anxiety.  It’s his own personal Heidi game.

Chapter eight of French License also touches on Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Fall is the loneliest season for an American boy in France.

This chapter also has funny animal noises, words that don’t exist in English, and cross-cultural catastrophes in communication.

What the hell is that thing?  It’s written plain as day on the side of that piddly yellow eyesore: “drive without a license.”  What, you mean on the same roads as licensed drivers?  Yup.

Double standards is the WTF chapter of French License.  Glorified golf carts on busy thoroughfares are just the beginning.  There’s an underworld of loopholes, exceptions, outright lack of oversight, and authorised cheats for the game of life.  Welcome to the murky world where the rules don’t apply.

Of course, to live in that world, you must show your face in a toy car like this:

Ask yourself, is it worth the ignominy?

Right is wrong. That’s not a political statement. It’s the reality of driving in France: they look one way before crossing the road.

A 1910 law is still on the books, striking fear behind the steering wheel.  Chapter 11 of French License details this bankrupt (get it? Ch. 11?) and archaic rule of the road.

People live a long time nowadays.  Especially French folks.  Lifer is the name of this French License chapter, revealing an unbelievable aspect of the pink permit.  It’s longer than a grandfather clause.  More like a great-great-grandfather clause.

Cultural differences are explored here in the perception of the driving document on both sides of the Atlantic.  One side sees a driver’s license as a necessity.  The other side sees a hunting permit.