Category: humor

We landed in France during their worst Heat wave, so that’s the title of the 2nd chapter of French License.  Adjusting as an expat is never easy, but at least we found a place in a nice town.

Here’s an extract, about Le Vésinet:

“The lot with the two homes was formerly attached to an even larger mansion on a bigger plot next-door.  Sometime ago the person who inherited the huge mansion sold off a section of his lot, the part with the house his groundskeeper lived in.  The new plot was so big there was still room to build another huge house in front.  This became 14 bis.

Bis means ‘also.’  That’s because there was already a number 14 for that street- the 19^th century mansion.  The original city planners assigned lots next to each other a two digit difference in address no matter how big the lots were.  This left no room for new numbers when the lots were split up.   This is very common in suburban areas in the countryside in France.  Yet another subdivision was called 14 ‘ter,’ which is kind of like third.  This makes it very fun on a hot day in the middle of August, when you arrive relieved at the number you were seeking, only to learn the house is still two doors down.”

You can read the full chapter for free in the online sample.

Meet the Fait Accompli, the world’s most mediocre vehicle.  In French License chapter 3 you’ll also meet many characters I’ll adapt to in a middling manner, including my co-workers and my keyboard.

Here’s an extract:

My keyboard didn’t have the familiar Q-W-E-R-T-Y letters in the upper-left-hand corner.  Instead it read ‘A-Z-E-R-T-Y’  The letters Q and Z are so prevalent they’re worth nothing in French scrabble.  So, their placement on the keyboard was swapped with the A and W, respectively.  The M was also moved, along with other characters popular in English.  Maybe the inventor was trying to avoid being labeled a ‘bqstqrd son of q zhore.’

You can read the full chapter for free in the online sample.

Here’s where it starts to unravel. Chapter 1 of French License shows how alike France is to California. “Can’t you give a brother a break?” I ask, wondering how my similar experience warrants a zero. Chapter 4’s Idiot synchracies uncovers the dissimilarities of driving in France. For roundabouts, it’s “vive la différence.” For nearly everything else, it’s “where’s the exit?”

Here’s an extract:

“When your trip on one of these secondary roads takes you through a strange town and you’re unsure where to turn next, there’s a helpful sign that will inevitably turn up, indicating ‘TOUTES DIRECTIONS.’  This means ‘all directions.’  “Nothing to see here.  Just pass through.  I don’t care where you’re going to, it’s obviously this way.”  So, you comply and, sure enough, a bit farther up the road, your next waypoint is clearly marked, and you breeze along, confident you will arrive at your destination.

Until you once again come across the now-familiar ‘TOUTES DIRECTIONS‘ arrow, pointing to the right.  You’re about to head that way when you notice another sign just next to it, labeled ‘AUTRES DIRECTIONS‘ pointing to the left.  This, of course, means ‘other directions.’  How, you ponder, does ‘all‘ differ from ‘other?’

Being well-schooled in philosophy, the French driver in front of you speeds on.  Scratching your Yankee head, you pull to the side of the road and wait for the mass-market adoption of GPS.”

This is the last chapter that you can read for free in the online sample.  The extract is only four chapters out of 40+ so I guarantee you TEN TIMES the laughs when you buy the whole book!

The customer is always wrong in this chapter of French License.  It’s a ‘dialogue des sourds,’ or a conversation between deaf people.

It reminds me of the responses Willy Wonka gave to questions.  He never answered directly, completely, nor with sincerity nor empathy.  He simply strung the asker along, bewildering them with unhelpful words, while leading them into danger.

I love Gene Wilder, but that movie gave me the creeps, his interpretation especially.  I didn’t want Charlie to follow to the end.  I wish he would have told Willy to take a hike with all his shenanigans, and exited out a side door to go back home with his grandfather.  Maybe that’s what I should have done in this chapter.

Ever seen one of these before?  I hadn’t before coming to France.  Know what it’s called?  Neither did I.  I learned the hard way.  I must like learning things the hard way.  If you do, too, you’re ready for the expat experience!  In Bike follies I, the sixth chapter of French License.

It’s Sunday before the new NFL season, so of course today’s teaser is about Football.  What’s a fan to do, far from the ‘States, with no TV coverage at his home?  It’s adventure time, seeking a Paris bar to watch, drink and shout.  The game is just a backdrop for our fan’s individual anxiety.  It’s his own personal Heidi game.

Chapter eight of French License also touches on Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Fall is the loneliest season for an American boy in France.

This chapter also has funny animal noises, words that don’t exist in English, and cross-cultural catastrophes in communication.