Category: travel writing

In California, you can just walk in and get a same-day appoinment to take the written test.  How ’bout in France?  The chapter number should give you some indication.  Chapter thirty-freakin’-five of French License.

The test isn’t actually written and it’s called driving ‘theory.’  Not written means you use these little consoles instead of pencil and paper.  ‘Theory’ means that, theoretically, they’ll let you take the test one day.  Americans wouldn’t believe how the theory test is conducted here, and what you need to pass.

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No, you can’t show up with your own car to pass the test to get a French License.  You must get a special rental car on the day.  You’ll also need a special person, and a lot of other special things.

You know those trained animals at the circus who jump through hoop after hoop of fire at the cracking of a whip?  This is a picture of one.

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This is the schoolmarm chapter of French License.  Who will teach whom a lesson?

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Put me in, coach!  You know that feeling.  You want the at-bat.  Hand me the mic.  Pass me the ball.  I’m ready.  But   you   just   don’t   get   your    chance.  You wait and you wait.  How do you stay enthusiastic and prepared when it takes soooooo long!

In this chapter of French License, our hero gets antsy.

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This is it, the exciting climax you’ve been waiting for: the car chase sequence!  Joe and Phil are forced into turbo mode by an administration slow on the starting gun.  Start-sky and Hutch it’s called, for I needed a partner in crime for this episode of French License.  Why?  Well, we weren’t confirmed until the last minute that the test was happening.  So, the race was on.  Did we make it?

BTW, the car they use is even lamer than this replica.  So is the driver.

 

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This is that Delacroix painting that I mention in the chapter ‘My Marianne takes charge.’  Marianne has come to symbolise France, and the Révolution, and topless dress which I hope comes back into style.

Here’s a dopey American paying homage to Delacroix on his lunch break:

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The last chapter of French License is entitled ‘Back to the Starting Line.’  Ten years have gone by since I began my quest for a driver’s license in Paris.  Was all the effort worth it?  Did I succeed?

When you read the book to find out, you’ll see that surprises are in store.  Things didn’t turn out like I planned.  The world has changed dramatically.  I write about my transformation in the modern context.  A decade is half a generation.  I discover that more than a generation now separates me from the adolescents who are now of license-ready age.  How are we different?

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Paris hates cars.  This bonus chapter of French License diverges from my personal story and touches on a societal phenomenon, that of punishing car owners for every sin under the sun.  Nowhere is this trend more prevalent than in Paris.  The capital is riddled with land mines blowing up in driver’s faces everywhere they go.  A license plate is an invitation to a firing squad, with the mayor shouting your death knell.

You think I’m exaggerating?  Read this chapter to discover the facts.

Further reading for residents: 40 millions d’automobilistes

Update August 29- things are getting hotter under the mayor’s throne…

Everybody is incensed at the mayor.  Hidalgo has arbitrarily done a land grab of streets and lanes, taking them away from cars, without consulting citizens, businesses that need to have goods delivered, commuters, or even the police who worry about being slowed down, or completely cutoff from coming to the aid of people.  Her way of doing things has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way.  A book will be released this week detailing her actions and reactions: Notre-Drame de Paris, by Airy Routier and Nadia Le Brun.  No wonder Airy Routier is against her.  Hidalgo is anti-car, and ‘routier’ means ‘truck driver.’

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Back to school in France coincides with the Rentrée littéraire, which is when most new books are released.  It’s a vibrant period with events, signings, speeches and readers go wild with purchases, discovering new writers.  In that spirit, I’m beginning a countdown to the rentrée.

There are about as many chapters in French License as there are days ’til then.  So, each day, I’ll give you a peek into the contents of a chapter.  This should help new readers discover the book.  The sample only covers the first 5% of the book, the set-up.  More of the juicy bits happen in the middle, then building to a climax at the end.  The 42 chapters cover a decade of foibles.  The countdown hors d’oeuvres should help you decide if you’d like a feast of French License on your table.

 

Thank you!

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Yawn… “Bonjour, my name iz Bleu, or Blue to you anglophones.  But I am not an English bulldog, I am a French bouledogue.  Or, I will be when I grow up.  At ze moment, I am vehry fatigued from reading French License.  So, I go bed now.  Meyhbe next time I show you what I learn.”

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